Shovel

I have a shovel in my hand at the moment, and it's up to me to decide whether I'm going to dig a tunnel or a hole for myself.

Difficulty: Hard

It seems I was wrong before; the thread still exists. The difficulty though, has been set on hard and I'm finding it off-putting. Hmm...maybe I should just tread the easier path.

A is for...

A is for anger; seriously, what is wrong with you?!!

***

On a happier note, merry christmas everyone!!

It's a funny thing

It always seems to be the case.

When someone tells you not to do something. you invariably end up doing what you got told not to do, and when someone tells you to go for it, you invariably end up not doing anything at all. It's like the appeal of the "forbidden fruit"; we want what is denied to us.

I guess though, in the end there is nothing we can really do about it - all we can do is learn to live with it.

Over

The opposite of under is over. Hmm...I think I might just have nailed it.

Why is it...

Why is it that we never seem to appreciate what we have in front of us but instead are always dissatifised and want what we can't or don't have. We always take so much for granted and we never realise just how important these things are to us until they escape and run away. Maybe sometimes we need to take some time and stop focusing on what we want but appreciate and be happy about with what we already have. It's something I think I could do more often.

P.S. I watched 500 days of summer last night on the plane and I have to say that I really really enjoyed watching it. And yes, it was a romance movie. Oh, and Zooey Deschanel really is a rather pretty girl.

Touchstone

Fool: A silly and stupid person that lacks good sense and judgment. And the overwhelming impression I'm feeling about myself at the moment.

I really am the biggest fool around.

Holiday

It's sorta getting late now but I'm feeling like a blog post before I go to bed.

I am leaving for Hong Kong in just under a day now (leaving midnight today). To be honest, half of me doesn't really want to go back which is strange right? I mean, any other person would jump at the chance to go to Hong Kong but for some reason I am just not feeling that eagerness to go. I think I am feeling this lingering attachment to Perth but I'm not sure. I haven't been able to be very definite with anything I have been feeling lately really so this isn't a suprise.

On the other hand, I think a break will do me some good. With everything that has been happening, a break will just give me some time away from everything and everyone. It might also just give me the space I need to (hopefully) sort myself out. Apart from that, Hong Kong is known as a shopper's paradise and I can't wait to splurge my hard earned money - there are so many things that I want to get. Oh and don't forget the heat too. It's winter up there so I will be able to escape the dreaded summer heat. Thank god for that.

And just one last thought (which is sorta starting to become the norm with all my posts), just how many coincidences can you think of as being merely coincidences until it starts to become something else?

Cluttered thoughts

And now for my second post.

I'm not sure how to start this second post. There has just been so much on my mind again that I'm not sure where to begin; I can't seem to translate my thoughts into words. I've been feeling a mixture of emotions lately - a bit of everything and it's addling my head.

I'm also feeling conflicting...feelings? (I know I am not making much sense right now) Like a part of me wants to change and I feel so sure it is the right thing to do but then some self doubt creeps in and I am not so sure anymore. It's frustrating because I don't know exactly what it is I want and should do. Do I follow the rules or do the opposite because it just does not seem to be working at the moment? Hell, would either way even work? Maybe I am taking too much...advice and complicating matters (once again).

Something else that is bothering me at the moment is my...what is a good way to describe it? Laziness? Though not exactly in the conventional way I guess. I know I haven't been putting in a major effort and I know nothing ever happens if you don't make it happen but I think I am being rather stubborn. I think I dislike always having to initiate everything yet I know it is exactly what I have to do.

I really have so much packed inside that head of mine, theories and all, it's just transferring that into actions that seems to be the hardest part.

***

And one more thing, gut feelings. I think they are usually correct. Agreed?

Results

This is going to be the first of two posts for today.

I just checked my results and I ended up with a D. I know I shouldn't really be complaining because overall my results were great but I do have high expectations of myself and I was aiming for all HDs through my whole degree. The "streak" has gone now and I am sorta annoyed. I suppose I have no one to blame but me and my declining study habits last semester though the unit was a real bitch to do because it was all memorising.

Nothing I can really do now I guess, except to pick up my study habits again next semester. I decided to overload so hopefully that might induce me to do more work and study harder. Hopefully.

Owl city

Owl city is a synthopop band that is extremely awesome (which is why I am blogging about them now). Seriously, words can not describe just how good they are. I listened to most of their songs today and I ended up liking each and every one which is usually very rare with me. What stands out the most about them to me is that I love the lyrics in the songs. They make me smile every time I listen to them. A really really good band that should be checked out.

Words and actions

Judge by actions, not by words.

Something that is so very true. We can all talk mumble jumble and spout out words that have no meaning at all, but it's how we act, our actions that really paint the picture of how we feel. I don't know why it took me this long to realise it. I guess your mind closes you to things that you don't want to know about? (and invents things along the way) But I am learning, and that is better than never.

YEAH

I am feeling rather happy at the moment. In fact, I don't think I've felt so happy in awhile. And the reason behind this? I feel...enlightened? Let's get on with life. Hell yeah!

So be it

Memories. Or more correctly, trying to recapture the feeling of certain memories. As I sit here, a Jay Chou song called (roughly translated) "Back to the past" is playing softly in the background. I know it's something that I should know well enough by now to realise it can't be done (even though the song pretty much sums up what it is that I want). It's like trying to cup water in your hands; no matter how tightly you make your fingers touch each other, there are still tiny gaps that exist and the water will all trickle away slowly until all you are left with are empty hands.

Nothing will ever or can stay the same, and it's even more silly to try to make things stay the same. One of the many things I think I should keep in mind. So be it. I can't say with conviction that I have had enough or that I don't care anymore, but what I can say, rather unsurprisingly too, is that I don't want to take it anymore. I'm tired of the same things happening over and over again. Be as you are.

And to save myself from blogging twice, as they say, ignorance is bliss. Something else I can add to my list of things to keep in mind.

Money

Money is something that I do not have a lot of right now. Why do I say this? Because I just bought an 18th present today and all that I am left with is 85c in my bank account. EIGHTY FIVE CENTS. AND I had to borrow money from a mate to finish buying everything for the present. OH THE SHAME. I would have never imagined myself to be so...money-less. Thank god pay day is just around the corner.

Cat and mouse

It feels like a game of cat and mouse. Hiding, running, chasing. All that's left is the pounce at the end.

Glass

Is the glass half full or half empty? To be an optimist or a pessimist? I think it's all up to ourselves personally what it is that we choose to be. Which one though, is better? To always have hope and expect the best or to be negative and expect the worst?

I think I am one of those optimistic types. Sometimes, I think I am too optimistic. I seem to retain hope even though deep down, I know full well I should forget about it because it won't happen ever. It's funny though, because even though I know how pointless it is to keep on hoping, I seem to do it anyways. I suppose there is no harm in hoping. Is there?

Smeared Paint

It's like the paint on a painting that has been smeared. The colours that used to be discernible are now all blurred and messy, and I can no longer pick out each distinct colour.

I thought I was so sure of myself and what it was, but just like the painting, I think it's all becoming blurred and the smears are increasing. I hope I can return the clarity. And quickly.

Unwanted

There is so much I want to say, yet so little of it actually passes through me. All those words, they seem to dry up in my throat, and all I am left with is that unwanted silence. I just wish it would go away.

I want to...

I want to hide that great big sleeve of mine. I always seem to wave it around like a flag.

Time for miracles

Time for miracles by Adam Lambert. It's my new favourite song that has been on repeat in my Itunes in recent days. I'm finding that every time I listen to it, I seem to get a strange and funny feeling inside me. It's hard to put into words what it is exactly that I feel and I don't really know why; maybe it's the lyrics, maybe it's the music or maybe it's something entirely different but what I do know is this.

Miracles. I think it's something that we all want some of.

Oh and listen to the song - you won't be disappointed.

I wonder...

My mind has been drifting again today. All those thoughts bunched up inside, like a cup brimming with water, threatening to overflow its edges. Above it all though, stands a single thought.

Is there something called being too nice? Is that even possible?

That is something I would like to find out.

Expectations

Expectations.

Something that I think I have way too much of. I seem to have it for everything. Such high hopes, yet I think every time I am left feeling disappointed. What is it that I don't understand? Don't have any expectations, and you save yourself the pain of being disappointed.

I swear expectations will be the death of me.

Happiness

Happiness always seems to feel so fleeting, so brief. It's almost as if it wasn't there in the first place.

***

And on another note, my internet has been shaped AGAIN. FOR TEN LONG DAYS. FML.

Circles

I feel as though I am going around in circles. Like a car stuck in a roundabout, going round and round, with no way out.

I want to find the exit, and get out.

The Game

I started re-watching How I Met Your Mother last night and one of the scenes really made an impression on me the second time round. It was when Ted was throwing parties every night just so he could get a chance to see Robin, yet he was pretending not to care and making it casual because it was all "part of the game". This made me think, why is it that we have to play "the game"? Why do we let ourselves be bound by these rules? Why do we have to act like we don't care and be nonchalant when what we want and feel is the complete opposite? Is it really the best thing for us to do?

I don't know. Perhaps it might be a good idea to throw away these rules and be free.

In the end, if you never try, you never know.

Love

What is love?

I was having a heated discussion last night on what love really was and whether "the one" and true love really existed. Did it only ever happen in the scripts of Hollywood? I have to say I am one of those people that believe that true love exists and fairy-tales can happen, albeit only for those of us who are lucky enough to find it. And what about "the one"? I think that "the one" does exist - we just have to have faith and keep looking. He or she is out there somewhere. Everything might not happen like it does in the movies; there might be more hurdles and barriers we have to cross but I am sure there is light at the end of the tunnel.

And love? To me, love is something wonderful and beautiful. It can make you immeasurably sad but at the same time, give you immense joy and happiness. Like a double-edged sword you could say. Love is not something that is easily gotten. Love has the ability to cheer you up even when you are down. Love is when you get a smile to your face just by being together with her. Love is when you don't want to say goodbye to her ever. Love is when you start missing her right after you have said goodbye. But most of all, love is when you accept and love her for who she is, the good and the bad, her qualities and her flaws. Because to you, she is perfect.

I don't like it...

I just realised that I could rage in my blog!! All that pent up frustration and anger I accumulate can be released right here! I think I am warming to this whole blog idea very nicely.

***

I don't like it when you don't reply. Stop playing around.

My very first blog post

After weeks of deliberation and thinking, I have finally made an effort to get myself a blog. The idea of a blog had appealed to me several weeks back because a blog, in my reckoning, would have allowed me a place where I could let out everything on my mind. So without further ado, let us begin.

Recently, I have had alot of things on my mind and the major issue (I guess you could call it "issue") that has been concerning me is proving to be a real headache. I can hardly stop thinking about it and me being me, am also letting the issue affect my mood. I know it's unhealthy and I have been told I "pms" too much but I really can't help it. I am who I am. It also doesn't help that I am on holidays at the moment, which gives me way too much time alone to contemplate and usually in my case, over-think matters way too much and over-complicate everything. Apart from giving me a headache, this whole issue has made me realise just how indecisive and fickle I can be. I have always known myself to be indecisive and prone to changing but the way I have treated the issue has, I guess, been surprising to myself.

Maybe the issue really is quite simple to solve; one of my friends said to me: it is either this or that or neither. But things in life are never ever that simple; sometimes, I just wish it was.

And so ends my first blog post. Let's hope that this is not a one off thing and I will have the effort to continue blogging.